Hello blog readers! Have you missed me? Once again, I went on hiatus from posting, but I have a very good reason. I have devoted most of this year to completing my book, which I am pleased to say I handed in to my editors yesterday. The plan for today was to rest, but I have felt a restless need to reflect on the year. So, here we are.
At the start of 2020, I set two goals:
I want to complete and send in the manuscript for my first monograph.
I want major grant funding for my new project, which will lead to my second monograph.
I can put a big tick next to goal number one. As for goal number two, the answer is a bit complicated. I have a much clearer vision for the project I imagined last year. I have a more detailed idea of what I need to do before preparing an application. I have a clearer idea of the questions, the outcomes and even who I want to be on my research team. These are aspects of a project I never really put a lot of thought into before. I naively thought I could do most things myself, or that funding would give me the time to work out the particulars, but that isn’t how this works. I have learned funders like to see a project is viable before they make a firm investment and that means knowing, for the most part, all the cogs are in the right place. My planning is far from over and now the manuscript is in, I plan to devote research time to developing the idea further before writing a funding app, but plans are in motion.
How did I learn this? Well, because I did get funding this year and for a project I never saw on the horizon in January 2020. This project emerged from a conference I helped to organise in May, and from there clear research questions and a research team fell into place. This time round, I wasn’t writing the application for me, it was for my team. I had to convince both them and myself what would work and what wouldn’t and I could almost see the project through a funders eyes. I have never felt so confident about a funding application going in before. Nevertheless, it didn’t stop me jumping for joy when we heard we had won the funding!
So, let’s talk about what I have done this year:
1. I wrote four articles, two are published, 1 rejected and 1 still pending.
2. I spoke at four different events – from my living room (organised by various universities across the world).
3. I completed and graduated from another Master’s.
4. Ran two extremely popular staff/PGR student workshops and received overwhelming excellent feedback.
5. Helped to organised an online conference
6. Currently organising another online conference.
7. Helped to organise an online seminar series.
8. Got funding.
9. Finished my book.
10. Got two beautiful kitties!
And I did it all during a global pandemic!
That last part is very important. Not everyone will have been as productive as me, because not everyone has the same circumstances. There were times when I felt I was failing, when I didn’t think that what I was doing was good enough, and times when I desperately wanted to escape the confines of my home and work. There were also times when I felt really lucky to have space, time, and few distractions! 2020 has thrown so many curve balls, but looking back on the year makes me feel so grateful that I have a patient and understanding husband, stable technology, a quiet home, space to walk, and my health. All of these things (and much, much more) have allowed me to committ so much time and energy to my work and to achieve dreams I didn’t think I would ever see come to fruition.
Personally, we have been effected by the pandemic. My husband lost his job, but gained a new one. Family members have struggled with their mental and physical health. But, we also felt we had the time to get a friend for our cat, Nimueh. We are now a two cat family and they have given us so many precious moments this year. I have also spent more time talking to family, especially my brothers, who often work and study away from home. A pandemic is awful, but the multiple lockdowns and limited ability to travel does have its blessings.
I have no idea what 2021 will bring, but I am committed to getting funding for my project idea. That is my one, and only focus for the year. That doesn’t mean I won’t do other things. Of course, I will, but focussing on one thing only feels manageable and exciting.
I realise I haven’t posted in two weeks, but rather than make an excuse I will just wrote the real reason. I didn’t feel like I had much to say. Plenty has happened but I didn’t have the motivation to post about it until now.
The good news is I have been writing and I decided to create a visual representation of how many days in the week I am committing to writing. In January, I started slow, but I did write regularly. Towards the end of the month I picked up the pace:
A month of writing
I even achieved a win at the end of January! I found out I won an internal application for a grant that would let me take sabbatical next term. This means some of the pressure to write my book is off. After finding this out I was obviously elated but I have also found myself procrastinating with other work projects or ‘work-crastinating’ as a fellow colleague on the I Should Be Writing Facebook page said.
I have all these other ideas but I know I need to focus on the book. Serendipitously, as I was wrestling with this I can across an article that pointed out procrastination is not about time but emotions. I don’t feel bad about the book, actually I am quite excited, but because it takes a long time to work on each chapter and I am not getting that instant gratification, I am searching for other ways to feel that boost that comes with pay-off.
The other side of this is that I received a major rejection on an article I submitted to a journal. It’s not bad news and I know plenty of other academics who have received major revisions on their work, but that seed of doubt has been planted inside, so much so, I struggle to see a way forward with the article. At the same time, I see others producing similar work and it makes me angry that I can’t move forward with my own idea. This sort of feeds into the book as well as I start to doubt the validity of my thoughts. Gah!
What do I do to feel better?
Well, not what I did today, which was submit an abstract to a conference and work on another project. To be fair, I did intend on working on the article but my printed ran out of ink so what I planned couldn’t be done today. I should really be working on the conclusion or references for chapter 5 but I am just not motivated at the moment. I need to write a funding application but again something is holding me back. And then there is my master’s project… All of these things seem enormous – the task is too big and I will need to work on them for a long time to get them done.
Instead, I should try to break it down. Small tasks, small pay-offs and just keep swimming. Because moving is progress!
At the beginning of 2019, I avoided setting a specific goal. In academia, setting a professional goal is difficult – after all so many things are out with my control. I can tell myself “I will publish more” but that is largely dependent on peer reviewers and publishers. And if they do accept the publication, major revisions will take up more time than anticipated. At least, this is what I told myself. Now, I can write more and push more out the door, but is more better? These are the questions I struggled with for all of 2018 and at least the first quarter of 2019.
Then I had an epiphany! In April 2019, I made a promise to myself. I would write a book proposal and I would keep sending it out, getting feedback, editing it, and sending it again until it got accepted. The key thing here was committing to one, single project and telling myself rejection would not knock me down. I worked hard on the proposal and put measures n lace to make sure it went in: I gave myself a hard deadline, I sent it to trusted colleagues for feedback, and I made sure to make it clear, targeted and something I wanted to do, not something I thought I should do.
While all this was going on, a new fellowship appeared and I casually thought ‘Hey, I have an idea so let’s go for it’. I told colleagues I had nothing to lose by applying and at this point I genuinely thought all I was doing was casually throwing my hat in the ring and I wouldn’t feel too bad if I didn’t get it. The project was clear and linked to my research, but I wasn’t passionate about it. I’m sure if it got funded I would have enjoyed doing it, but I had put up a protective wall in my mind. I didn’t want to receive a rejection for something I was passionate about, but therein lies the problem. I dedicated a lot of time and energy to the application and even though it wasn’t my dream project, I had still poured myself into it.
Well, if you haven’t guessed by now, it didn’t get funded.
When I received the rejection email, I didn’t feel angry or sad, just disappointed. But, as the months went on my mood became darker and darker. I poured myself into the book proposal and I think if it had been rejected too I may have just given up entirely.
Here is the thing though, funding is tricky, and much trickier than publishing. There isn’t enough to fund every project. Even if a really convincing case has been made, even if it ticks all these boxes, it still might not be enough to get over that final hurdle. There are so many unknown factors and since I didn’t get feedback, I will never know why this project didn’t meet the mark.
What I should have done was found another fellowship and applied for it with the same project, but I didn’t. Instead, all that hard work has been pushed aside, and I probably won’t go back to it again. Why? Well, what I came up with was something I thought the funder wanted, and not something I was trulypassionate about. Maybe that came through in the application…
Meanwhile, I have been working on yet another project #allthethings. It stems from a previously-funded project, but I had been developing another grant application. I have literally poured months of work into it and after receiving so-so internal feedback I realised that, once again, I have developed a project that suits others and not me. So what to do…
Well, after several weeks reflection, I have a very clear idea of what I want to do next. The grant I was applying for doesn’t suit what I want to do, but the time spent developing it has helped me figure out the key research questions. By focusing more on what I want to explore, everything falls into place. I have even identified three other grants I could apply for by taking this new direction.
I am extremely passionate about this new project and I have written a couple of articles in this area. I really, really want funding to make it happen. This feeling is scary but exciting, but it is an idea has been forming for about two years and now feels like the time to take the next step.
So, in 2020 what do I want?
1. I want to complete and send in the manuscript for my first monograph.
2. I want major grant funding for my new project, which will lead to my second monograph.
These two projects are huge, but it is time to be bold. It is time to stop using rejection as an excuse. It is time to do things the way I want to do them. This is not intended to sound egotistical as feedback from senior colleagues is important and should be taken on board, but my problem so far is thinking too much about what I think I should be doing based on others opinions rather than developing something I want to do.
In the words of YouTuber Justin Scarred, I may not be able to control [funding outcomes or publication outcomes], but I can change my reaction to them. 2020 is my year to work on these two projects with clarity and focus.
I was on social media (SM) and YouTube this morning and so many were reflecting on their last 10 years, highlighting personal and professional gains but also losses. I even did this myself. In the last few months the craze ‘the 10 year challenge’ had been around multiple SM platforms, and allows everyone to share with the world how much they have visually changed between 2009/10 and 2019/20. I was surprised to see just how many were able to pull photos from SM. After all, these platforms have been with us for the past decade and now dictate most of our personal and professional lives. This morning, I woke and thought about what it would be like to delete my Facebook account. But, I use it for so much professional interaction, the thought of deleting it or even deactivating it for a short time feels impossible. Instead, I have opted to uninstall the app from my phone. Now, I will need to actively log in via a browser, which I am hoping will break my habit of hitting the “F” button and scrolling whenever I feel bored or disengaged from “real life”.
Why do I (and many others) feel the need to disengage from digital socialising?
I use social media to share the inner workings of my own mind. I find it easier to clearly articulate my thoughts in writing and in the past SM felt like a safe space to reveal my struggles without having to talk about them in day-to-day life. While I am an outwardly confident person I tend to overanalyse and I am quick to anger. In “real life” I have learned to temper my anger, but this does mean I often shy away from confrontation entirely and internally over analyse the situation. It’s not a healthy way to be and Facebook had been a place to get some of my feelings out in a call and considerate manner.
Professionally, my blog has become one of key places to do unload (particularly about writing, publishing and more generally about life as an early career researcher). I still feel regular written reflection is important – after all, I credit blogging with improving my writing overall. Twitter I reserve for professional reflection as well, but Facebook was a mix of personal and professional and herein lies the problem.
In the last 10-years Facebook has developed into a very complex community. Friends, family, colleagues, all these people I wouldn’t normally see interacting with one another are. Sending out personal messages now requires conscious attention, more often than not carefully worded to avoid tension – at least this is my experience, but this is not necessarily the opinion of others.
Even as recently as the last few weeks, I have found myself getting angry at posts, or writing a snap comment in response to a post I do not agree with. Face-to-face, however, I would never dream of doing such a thing unless I was really pushed. I have complained to my husband ‘why don’t people realise they cannot post whatever they want?’ while also getting upset if I am called out for sharing incorrect information. The community of Facebook is still somewhat supportive, but more and more, it is becoming an environment where some treat it like their personal living room, sharing their opinions to a community they assume will all agree. Then there are others are trying to be more conscience of their message (with varying levels of success). A recent BuzzFeed article even spoke about how complicated running a community group on Facebook has become noting:
Local Facebook groups increasingly serve as a local area’s town square, classifieds section, Neighbourhood Watch, and emergency information centre all rolled into one. But, for the most part, they are run by volunteers who in 2019 are devoting huge chunks of time figuring out how to enforce rules, referee disputes, and avoid getting sued in the process.
These issues come out of the massive growth of Facebook, where everyone and anyone including Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Parents, siblings, Children, Friends, Cousins and everyone in-between are on Facebook and are interacting with each other. Those casual, outdated comments said by Uncle Sam over dinner that the family past off as inappropriately funny are not as easy to dismiss on a public network, where the wider community disagrees. And then who is responsible for telling Uncle Sam, ‘hey, I’m sorry but it’s not ok to say that on SM’? Well, since #cancelculture became a thing, everyone feels they can and should cancel behaviour they disagree with and here’s where it gets really tricky – what if others disagree with the cancelling? Sarah Hagi recently wrote an article about Cancel Culture in Time Magazine noting:
The problem with this perspective is cancel culture isn’t real, at least not in the way people believe it is. Instead, it’s turned into a catch-all for when people in power face consequences for their actions or receive any type of criticism, something that they’re not used to.[…] This applies to not only wealthy people or industry leaders but anyone whose privilege has historically shielded them from public scrutiny. Because they can’t handle this cultural shift, they rely on phrases like “cancel culture” to delegitimize the criticism.
No wonder anxiety, stress and general tension is on the rise. Personally, I want to be more mindful, more understanding and more open, but I feel increasingly frustrated and angry at those people who disagree. This is a juxtaposition I struggle to cope with -surely I should be mindful of everyone, even those people who have a different social or political position than I do? In “real life” when friends or family disagree we can either choose to ignore it or engage in debate for a short time, but then we all get to walk away and move on. In the SM community, there are a lot more people weighing in and it is much harder to walk away from the situation! Shanna Trenholm likens it to a dopamine hit we crave:
Using apps to limit your time or straight up willpower are no match for the dopamine hit you get when scrolling through the socials.
In researching this blog post, I discovered article after article recommending the top 5 or 10 ways to wean ourselves off SM and why we should. Several writers who have deleted their SM accounts note the benefits of a SM-free life, but almost all liken it to coming off a drug.
So, I opened this post saying I was deleting the Facebook app from my phone, but I am also going to be more mindful of my activity. How exactly? The short answer is treating it like my other SM accounts. Facebook will become a space for my professional work and nothing else. While I had hoped to begin the year with a more positive blog about what I hope to achieve this year (which will be coming next week), I want to start 2020 by purging something in my life that has cost me far too much time and energy.
Part of the reason why I worked so hard for most of the summer was that I had a huge, 16 day trip to Asia planned. My husband and I set out on a quest to visit all the ‘Eastern’ Disney parks: Shanghai, Hong Kong and Tokyo. “Why?” I hear you ask? One of the first coherent memories I have from my childhood is watching a film of a family fly together in a hot air balloon over Disney World in Florida. It was a commercial at the end of a Disney movie and I vividly remember watching it while sitting on my Gran’s blue recliner chair. She was cleaning the living room and I asked how many Disney parks there were. I can’t recall if she told me the exact number, but I do remember her telling me a story about visiting Disneyland soon after it opened. During this conversation, I told her I would visit all the Disney parks one day and I can now say that dream has come true.
It was a more extensive and expensive trip than what it might have been in the early 90s. It may seem childish or silly to some, but hearing about the early days of Disneyland from my Grandparents, listening to stories about my parents working in the California park as teenagers, visiting Californian and Paris Disney parks as a child and falling in love with the complete immersive experience gave me and continues to fuel my fascination. Each park has its similarities: most are set out in a similar structure, all have parades, high-quality song and dance shows, and of course, rides. But, each one also has several unique features, some suited to the country and culture and others exploring new innovations in ride tech or creative immersion. My husband and I often say we are happy enough to walk the parks all day long without going on a single ride, and this is simply because the parks offer so much more. So here are a few highlights from this trip.
Shanghai
It is the newest park out of the 3, and even though it is only a few years old, it is already growing and expanding to include new lands and rides. The ride tech for Tron and Piratesof the Caribbean is out of this world and the level of ‘imagineering’ (a Disney-coined term) really shows what technology can do in terms of story-telling and creating a fully immersive atmosphere. The layout of the park is relatively unique and while I appreciate the aim is to facilitate the maximum number of guests, I found it difficult to navigate at times. I missed the old, familiar layout that all the other parks have and I couldn’t quite get my head around the transition from Mickey Avenue, ‘the hub’ and the four lands. Some of the magic is missing from the cast members as well, who aren’t quite as peppy and upbeat as a Disney veteran might expect. These are minor complaints, and I did find the park really beautiful. When we visited, it was easy to ride most rides in a day as crowd levels were low. We benefitted from ‘Magic Hours’ – a luxury bestowed on guests who stay in a Disney hotel, which means we could enter the park 1 hour earlier than those who had only purchased park tickets.
Hong Kong
We stayed ‘off property’ at Hong Kong, partly because I knew the park wasn’t as popular, so we wouldn’t be battling potentially high crowd levels. We also wanted to explore a bit more of Hong Kong itself. We stayed in a lovely resort called Noah’s Ark, which really wasn’t what we expected. It is genuinely an Ark built on the Park Island coast, complete with its own education area, which focusses on world history and the environment. There is also a lot of life-size animal models replicating the Biblical story. Inside the rooms all had a balcony view and it was wonderful to eat breakfast overlooking the busy sea.
The park is the most similar to the ‘Western’ Disney parks in terms of layout and rides, which isn’t really a problem considering the other two are very different, but it is by far the quietest and unfortunately the weakest in terms of its performance. Half of the restaurants were closed when we visited and the park opens very late in the day (1030am-8pm). There are no fireworks to close the night, though the Electrical Light Parade was brilliant. The meal-deal isn’t worth the money, particularly with so many restaurant closures. The cap of 130 HKD for meals is too restrictive (basically, unless you want to eat a burger and fries, only a couple vegetarian dishes are available) and there are only a few snack choices included in the deal. We had our 2nd day of meals refunded once we realised all of the imposed restrictions. However, the park was very quiet and we easily did everything in a day. It was nice being able to walk around a Disney park with almost no crowd or queues! Mystic Manor is unique to the park and is definitely a highlight. It is worth the trip just for this ride alone (but maybe pair up the Disney park with other sightseeing).
Tokyo
We spent a lot of time exploring Japan before going to the Disney park. It was nice to have a break and see different cities for a while. I would definitely recommend the Japanese Rail pass, which gives unlimited travel on most train lines all over the country. We even got to ride the bullet train to Kyoto with the pass. The country is very clean and most hotels provide a whole host of pampering products such as a hairbrush, toothbrush, razor, shower cap, as well as washing essentials.
Disney has 2 gates: Disneyland and Disney Sea and both are extremely popular with huge crowds. Though we stayed in a Disney partner hotel, we didn’t have Magic Hours so we struggled to ride all the rides and catch all the shows in the 3.5 days we were there. It’s just about possible to do Disneyland in 2 days, but Disney Sea needs 2-3 days at least, especially if you plan to ride the E-ticket attractions. ‘Soarin’ was never below a 160-minute wait the whole time we were there and many of the other big rides were over 100 minutes. We decided to focus on shows and forget most of the rides. Big Band Beats was a song and dance jazz show featuring numbers from the 1920s-1940s. With a live jazz band, singers, dancers and all the favourite Disney characters, it was just wonderful from beginning to end. The Hallowe’en show Festival of Mystique was a simple concept but impeccably executed.
We watched it twice and both times I was drawn in to the point I felt a little scared by the action! Fantasmic is the evening show, which is followed by the fireworks and while those who have been to Florida and California may recognise the overall premise, it has some unique elements.
It is much easier to ride most rides in the late afternoon in Disneyland, particularly between 4pm and 6pm, when families are heading off and before the night time crowd arrives. We managed to see the park at the beginning of the Hallowe’en season, so the Haunted Mansion had a Nightmare Before Christmas holiday overlay, which was amazing. Most rides are similar if not the same to those in Western parks, but Pooh’s Honey Hunt was surprisingly unique! The Hallowe’en parade was spooky in all the right ways and the Electrical Light Parade was dazzling. I really liked that everyone was encouraged to sit down and watch the performances, so I didn’t struggle (as I often do) to see the performances.
I realise this is a bit of a deviation from my typical posts, but it is important to take time away. I certainly don’t wish to glorify overwork and it is important to remember that no matter what the time off is – a lifelong dream holiday, a spontaneous trip, a city break or just time to read in the garden – allows for a mind reset. I cannot say this trip was quiet or relaxing and I didn’t avoid work completely, but it did give me time to focus on something else; to reflect, to regroup and to reset, which are all very important.
I just wanted to draw attention to the Women’s Studies Group 1558 – 1837 Annual workshop, which will take place on the 18th May 2019. Additional details can be found on their website: https://womensstudiesgroup.org/annual-workshop/
I have been using this blog as a safe space to reflect on my writing and research process, but I must confess, during those times of “high academic writing activity” my blog activity completely disappears. As a result, I become more mentally negative about my work. I am in that period of completing an article due at the end of the month. I am also speaking at a conference this weekend, which has forced me to step away from my writing bubble and socialise with the academic community. Though I felt positive and focussed on this article at the beginning of the writing process, as I have progressed, I have found myself becoming more negative. I am really questioning the quality of my work and struggling to know for certain if this is worthy of publication. This isn’t new. I have often reflected on my uncertainty to judge the quality of my work. During those times I have felt very positive and sure my work was of an good standard, I was crushed, while my more negative periods of writing activity has resulted in better quality publications. I realise I need a critical eye, but do I have to be down on myself during the whole writing process?
I don’t have an answer to this question, but I did see an activity on Facebook that might be a useful exercise to rethink, reflect and renew my relationship with my research. The Research Companion is encouraging researchers to embrace #researcherrenew throughout January. Its aim is to leave ‘you feeling stronger, happier and better able to face the year to come and since I am currently working on several writing projects, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to reflect on my work so far. I am hopeful that taking a more positive attitude, while maintaining a critical eye will still result in quality work.
Activity
feel calmer and more confident
I must confess, though I began the Christmas holidays feeling relaxed and hopeful, by the end I was exhausted. I stupidly did not take a Christmas holiday and instead dedicated the whole time to research and writing. I even wrote the next 10 weeks of lectures for just to make sure I had maximum writing time over semester 2. I avoided going out, dedicating hours in the day to reading and writing and I even told myself that ‘it’s better to stay in and avoid the cold!’. What a mistake! The real kicker came on 2nd January when my laptop (which was exactly 1-year-old) died. I needed to travel the next day, leaving 1 option. Buy a new laptop. This was after an emotional day, where I struggled to write a paper for one of the panel sessions. This was a real low and even though I forced myself to press on and get the work done, the whole ordeal could have been easily avoided. All I had to do was say ‘no’. I could have said no to doing 3 papers at this conference. Said no to doing so many writing projects. Said no to writing lectures over the holiday, but I have a habit of getting really excited and making commitments before I really think of the impact. While this has served me well in the past, I now need to make more focussed and strategic decisions and I need to tell myself and remind myself to do this! In short, the way to feel calmer and hopefully gain more confidence is to continue to reign in all the activities, focus and breathe!
reflect on your achievements
This is a difficult one. Not because I haven’t ‘achieved’ anything, but because I feel my achievements are linked to luck and are not of my own design. Though Billy Zane might claim ‘a real man makes his own luck’, I still feel my own good fortune is circumstantial and not down to my own competence. Even so, I ended January 2018 with a roundup listing how much I had achieved that month. Unfortunately, my plan to writing 12 round up blog posts throughout year resulted in 2! This year I am committing myself to regular round ups, making a point of reflecting on my achievements.
plan and structure your work
See point 1. To do this, I need to say no to all the extra stuff. I do plan and structure, but then I get distracted by other, exciting activities that take less time to complete. I am almost an activity junky, getting my fix from faster, quicker completions, rather than taking a slower, healthier and more focussed approach. Even today, I felt myself being sucked into more summer activities, even though I know I have a lot on my plate. I really do not need to take on more. And yet, I am worried I am missing out. Fear of missing out or FOMO is a real issue, one that is discussed my academics, on social media and in the press and I have it BIG TIME. Well, (and I tell myself this more than anyone else) if I continue down this path, the only things I will miss out on are the opportunities that really matter. I need to stop running for every dandelion stem that floats past and instead focus on picking the dandelion. Only then will I have the control to blog the stems in different directions.
I cannot say I am not looking forward to the next 12 months, but I am hardly entering into 2019 with endless bounds of naïve gaiety. Last year was so full of twists, turns and unexpected shocks that I spent the final 6 months of the year like a terrified kitten. In fact, since 8th January 2018 I couldn’t think any further than a few days ahead. My Grandpa went into hospital on this day and he never came back out again. The next 6 months were spent hoping and praying and I am sorry to say it has seeped into almost all areas of my life. After being asked ‘how was your Christmas?’ I found myself responding with such pessimism: ‘no one died’. It was meant as a joke, but my response couldn’t be closer to the truth in terms of how I feel. In the past, I had been that person who aimed for the big prizes, and now I find myself genuinely shocked that anyone thinks what I do is of any quality. This type of language and how I feel more generally needs to change. So here is what I am looking forward to over the next 12 months.
Working with my colleagues. I learn so much from them and I am inspired by their dedication.
Working for myself. For the first time I have a permanent position and that means I can work on my own research and put my 5-year plan into action.
Discovery. (and actually writing about it).
Completing publications. I may hate writing, but I have learned and reflected on my process over the last year. I am still dedicating to improving, but now is that time to see how far I have come.
Adventuring. I am visiting so many wonderful places over this coming year, and I am really grateful to have the opportunity to do so.
Being with my husband. He is massively supportive of what I do and I am excited to go on many adventures with him.
This is a small task, but it has been useful to really articulate what I have been feeling over the last few weeks (heck months!). Time to wash away those worries and start afresh. Goodnight 2018 and joy be with you all.
So, here we are. It is the end of 2018 and I am preparing papers for the 2019 BSECS conference. Just after the conference last year, I posted a very personal blog about my academic work anxieties and while I cannot claim that all my anxieties have just disappeared, I would like to discuss what I have achieved over this year. This is not intended to be boastful, but I am recognising the importance of reflection. This is discussed in a number of Facebook groups I am a member of including the Women in Academia Support Network: ‘WIASN’, and ‘I should be writing more’, where many of the members feel some amount of freedom and support when voicing their own anxieties, concerns and achievements. Cathy Mazak also writes informative, motivational blogs on the importance of resting, reflecting and writing.
Achievement is such a funny beast. In academia, achievements tend to be those measurable products: how many papers have been published and where? How many monographs? How many grants and how much? How much positive student feedback? If a person can get this magical mix just right, the light at the end of the tunnel is prestige, but also more of the same with very little time to just think about what actually has been achieved. And what about those achievements that are not measurable? There is hardly ever an opportunity (or indeed time!) to make these known.
It is no secret that after my PhD I felt lost. Even at the start of this year, I had managed to pin down a 1-year, part-time lecturing contract, but I still had no idea about the direction of my career. I struggled to understand the quality of my research and writing, constantly bouncing between confidence and imposter syndrome. I was terrified to voice these issues and had no idea who to go to for help. At the start of the year, I really felt like a newly qualified driver. I may have the PhD qualification, but now I had to figure out how to be an academic with only me in the driving seat and no one to tell me if what I was doing was right or wrong. At that point, I found it very difficult to be critical of my own work (and I still worry if I am being critical). Ever the efficient worker, I wanted to be able to churn out article after article, quickly turn my PhD to a monograph, just make things happen and now. I naively believed I had learned everything I needed to learn throughout the PhD process – what a mistake that was! And yet, I am ashamed to say I would take awful short cuts, like not re-reading work, quickly reading articles or books without getting to grips with context and making generalised statements with little evidence to back them up. My head was still in student mode, when I should have been taking a more professional approach to my work.
Over this past year I have had to accept that this is not how I achieve my best work. While I now fear that I may be taking too much time to get things done, I think I am getting better at identifying specific issues that can only make my work stronger. In a bid to prove to myself that I am moving forward, I hope you don’t mind if I look back. Here is my yearly round up where I will reflect on the 5 goals, I set myself at the start of 2018, what I managed to get done and the plans I have for 2019.
Goals
Goal 1: read more (and slowly). Stop binge reading!
Aim: an article each week and a book a month.
Did I do it? – Sort of… At the start of the year, I read more about academic writing and I am pleased to say I read every book I was given for Christmas 2017. This is a really big achievement, as I normally put many of these books aside telling myself I will get to them when I am less busy. I am never less busy! This year, however, I read books on the train to work, I really reflected on the advice they had to offer, and I even managed to cram in some fiction! This was going quite well until the summer. Unfortunately, with multiple family funerals and a building busy schedule I have fallen back on old ways and have returned to binge reading academic articles and books. However, keeping regularly blog entries about what and how I have read over the year has reminded me that it is possible to maintain a regularly reading schedule. *Thanks! past me for doing this!*
Goal 2: practice writing.
Aim: I plan to write a blog post each month reflecting on what I have read and research ideas (maybe even mini-articles). But I also want to review/write a book chapter every 3 months, gaining regular feedback on my work. As a PhD student, this was exactly what I did, but this time the writing needs to be more carefully thought through. (I should note that I am turning my thesis into a book so much of the primary research has been done, though there is always room for more).
Did I do it? Not quite. In fact, this might be the goal that I have spectacularly failed at (and that is ok!) I have done a lot more of my own writing and I did get some feedback on a couple pieces of my work, but I haven’t done as much as I hoped. This is partly because I have managed to figure out just how much time it takes me to write relatively well. Unfortunately, I am one of these people who gets really excited about an idea, but as soon as I start to write it down the idea becomes a jumbled, garbled mess. My excitement fades away and I am left very confused. But it is only through the writing process that I air out triviality. It takes a long time to get something on the page and even then, it takes a long time to edit. I still need to practice and one day perhaps my own ambitions will match my ability.
Goal 3: say ‘no’ more. I love being asked to do things and I love staying active, but I often end up over-worked and lacking real focus. I get distracted with short-term projects and struggle to keep to one thing. This has had a significant impact on my writing. It is easy to fool yourself into thinking these additional activities are beneficial when actually it is just justifying procrastination from something you don’t like to do.
Did I do it? Erm… no comment… I still take on activities because I like the short-term validation of having achieved something. But I have managed to significantly cut down my activities and align them to research aims. Cathy Mazak talks about this a lot in her Academic Women’s Writing Roadmap and I am pleased to be taking her advice on board though it may be some time before I learn to say ‘no’ and feel ok about it!
Goal 4: ask more colleagues for guidance.
Did I do it? Yes. Though in a different way to how I planned. I joined several Facebook groups, spoke to colleagues often, really thought about how others carry out their work and if I am doing (and should do) the same. I see my colleagues less as supervisors and more as peers and even though I am still intimidated by certain people I meet, I am trying to get better at engaging these colleagues in conversation rather than asking for validation.
Goal 5: calm down.
Did I do it? In short, I kind of had to… 2018 has been one of the most rewarding years work-wise but one of the most difficult personally. The ambitions I had for myself had to be renegotiated in my mind as home-life simply didn’t allow me to get these things done. The hardest part is recognising that even if home-life had been perfect, I might not have done all that I set out to do, partly because I just kept running and didn’t stop to really think. This could have ended in just a much upset and worse still, a strained relationship with my own working practice. Instead, I am starting to develop a healthier approach to my work where I recognise that reflection, networking and speaking about particularly issues are just as important as focussed writing.
At the start of the year, I was in a hugely precarious position. I had a part-time lecturing job, but it wasn’t permanent, and I was doing A LOT of last-minute teaching at another institution with very little hope of securing a contract. I had managed to get myself onto the PG Cert programme but the institution I was doing it with had pulled out of the Higher Education Academy whose accreditation is recognised across the UK. I was working on two network projects as an RA, but the direction of both was not very clear in terms of a research goal. I had a few short-term research fellowships, but these hadn’t amounted to a long-term research fellowship. My book proposal had been rejected, several articles had been rejected and despite having some amount of success I felt lost with no hope…
I end this year with a permanent part-time lecturing job where I am really happy, a three-year research post, which is giving my current research aims direction, ideas for a new project, which is following on from one of the networks, a book idea, several article ideas, two articles under commission, 4 academic articles published, grant funding for a project, a board member of an important society in my area of research, an editor for an academic reviews journal, several reviews published in a variety of journals, a Fellow of the Higher Education Academia, and with a rich network of supportive people. I have also started my MEd and I have just submitted the final pieces of work for my PG Cert. Though I haven’t published as much as I would have liked, and I still haven’t sent anything to big, scary journals since my last rather negative experience, I feel I am now able to recognise where my work needs to improve to get to this level.
I also understand why I felt lost. At the start of the year, I was doing all different things to put food on the table and to build a meaty CV that demonstrated a multitude of skills. But I personally had no direction. I was a Jack-of-all-trades and a master-of-none. For me, though I have ended up in two jobs that are very much aligned to what I want to do (and this is giving an immense amount of job satisfaction) this is by chance, not design. I could have easily found myself bouncing around different short-term contracts for a very long time, resulting in several unconnected paths. This doesn’t allow for a very productive research or writing pipeline.
Goals for 2019
In short, they are the same as 2018, because these things are part of my journey and so long as I recognise that they need to be worked on, they will continue to improve. But I also want to continue aligning my activities so that I am not the person I was in January 2018; pulled in multiple directions with very little control over my circumstances. In 2019, time will pass, and I will get things done!
Research Adventures 
