2020 goals

At the beginning of 2019, I avoided setting a specific goal. In academia, setting a professional goal is difficult – after all so many things are out with my control. I can tell myself “I will publish more” but that is largely dependent on peer reviewers and publishers. And if they do accept the publication, major revisions will take up more time than anticipated. At least, this is what I told myself. Now, I can write more and push more out the door, but is more better? These are the questions I struggled with for all of 2018 and at least the first quarter of 2019.

Then I had an epiphany! In April 2019, I made a promise to myself. I would write a book proposal and I would keep sending it out, getting feedback, editing it, and sending it again until it got accepted. The key thing here was committing to one, single project and telling myself rejection would not knock me down. I worked hard on the proposal and put measures n lace to make sure it went in: I gave myself a hard deadline, I sent it to trusted colleagues for feedback, and I made sure to make it clear, targeted and something I wanted to do, not something I thought I should do.

While all this was going on, a new fellowship appeared and I casually thought ‘Hey, I have an idea so let’s go for it’. I told colleagues I had nothing to lose by applying and at this point I genuinely thought all I was doing was casually throwing my hat in the ring and I wouldn’t feel too bad if I didn’t get it. The project was clear and linked to my research, but I wasn’t passionate about it. I’m sure if it got funded I would have enjoyed doing it, but I had put up a protective wall in my mind. I didn’t want to receive a rejection for something I was passionate about, but therein lies the problem. I dedicated a lot of time and energy to the application and even though it wasn’t my dream project, I had still poured myself into it.

Well, if you haven’t guessed by now, it didn’t get funded.

When I received the rejection email, I didn’t feel angry or sad, just disappointed. But, as the months went on my mood became darker and darker. I poured myself into the book proposal and I think if it had been rejected too I may have just given up entirely.

Here is the thing though, funding is tricky, and much trickier than publishing. There isn’t enough to fund every project. Even if a really convincing case has been made, even if it ticks all these boxes, it still might not be enough to get over that final hurdle. There are so many unknown factors and since I didn’t get feedback, I will never know why this project didn’t meet the mark.

What I should have done was found another fellowship and applied for it with the same project, but I didn’t. Instead, all that hard work has been pushed aside, and I probably won’t go back to it again. Why? Well, what I came up with was something I thought the funder wanted, and not something I was trulypassionate about. Maybe that came through in the application…

Meanwhile, I have been working on yet another project #allthethings. It stems from a previously-funded project, but I had been developing another grant application. I have literally poured months of work into it and after receiving so-so internal feedback I realised that, once again, I have developed a project that suits others and not me. So what to do…

Well, after several weeks reflection, I have a very clear idea of what I want to do next. The grant I was applying for doesn’t suit what I want to do, but the time spent developing it has helped me figure out the key research questions. By focusing more on what I want to explore, everything falls into place. I have even identified three other grants I could apply for by taking this new direction.

I am extremely passionate about this new project and I have written a couple of articles in this area. I really, really want funding to make it happen. This feeling is scary but exciting, but it is an idea has been forming for about two years and now feels like the time to take the next step.

So, in 2020 what do I want?

1. I want to complete and send in the manuscript for my first monograph.

2. I want major grant funding for my new project, which will lead to my second monograph.

These two projects are huge, but it is time to be bold. It is time to stop using rejection as an excuse. It is time to do things the way I want to do them. This is not intended to sound egotistical as feedback from senior colleagues is important and should be taken on board, but my problem so far is thinking too much about what I think I should be doing based on others opinions rather than developing something I want to do.

In the words of YouTuber Justin Scarred, I may not be able to control [funding outcomes or publication outcomes], but I can change my reaction to them. 2020 is my year to work on these two projects with clarity and focus.

Annual leave!

Part of the reason why I worked so hard for most of the summer was that I had a huge, 16 day trip to Asia planned. My husband and I set out on a quest to visit all the ‘Eastern’ Disney parks: Shanghai, Hong Kong and Tokyo. “Why?” I hear you ask? One of the first coherent memories I have from my childhood is watching a film of a family fly together in a hot air balloon over Disney World in Florida. It was a commercial at the end of a Disney movie and I vividly remember watching it while sitting on my Gran’s blue recliner chair. She was cleaning the living room and I asked how many Disney parks there were. I can’t recall if she told me the exact number, but I do remember her telling me a story about visiting Disneyland soon after it opened. During this conversation, I told her I would visit all the Disney parks one day and I can now say that dream has come true.

It was a more extensive and expensive trip than what it might have been in the early 90s. It may seem childish or silly to some, but hearing about the early days of Disneyland from my Grandparents, listening to stories about my parents working in the California park as teenagers, visiting Californian and Paris Disney parks as a child and falling in love with the complete immersive experience gave me and continues to fuel my fascination. Each park has its similarities: most are set out in a similar structure, all have parades, high-quality song and dance shows, and of course, rides. But, each one also has several unique features, some suited to the country and culture and others exploring new innovations in ride tech or creative immersion. My husband and I often say we are happy enough to walk the parks all day long without going on a single ride, and this is simply because the parks offer so much more. So here are a few highlights from this trip.

Shanghai

It is the newest park out of the 3, and even though it is only a few years old, it is already growing and expanding to include new lands and rides. The ride tech for Tron and Pirates of the Caribbean is out of this world and the level of ‘imagineering’ (a Disney-coined term) really shows what technology can do in terms of story-telling and creating a fully immersive atmosphere. The layout of the park is relatively unique and while I appreciate the aim is to facilitate the maximum number of guests, I found it difficult to navigate at times. I missed the old, familiar layout that all the other parks have and I couldn’t quite get my head around the transition from Mickey Avenue, ‘the hub’ and the four lands. Some of the magic is missing from the cast members as well, who aren’t quite as peppy and upbeat as a Disney veteran might expect. These are minor complaints, and I did find the park really beautiful. When we visited, it was easy to ride most rides in a day as crowd levels were low. We benefitted from ‘Magic Hours’ – a luxury bestowed on guests who stay in a Disney hotel, which means we could enter the park 1 hour earlier than those who had only purchased park tickets.

Hong Kong

We stayed ‘off property’ at Hong Kong, partly because I knew the park wasn’t as popular, so we wouldn’t be battling potentially high crowd levels. We also wanted to explore a bit more of Hong Kong itself. We stayed in a lovely resort called Noah’s Ark, which really wasn’t what we expected. It is genuinely an Ark built on the Park Island coast, complete with its own education area, which focusses on world history and the environment. There is also a lot of life-size animal models replicating the Biblical story. Inside the rooms all had a balcony view and it was wonderful to eat breakfast overlooking the busy sea.

The park is the most similar to the ‘Western’ Disney parks in terms of layout and rides, which isn’t really a problem considering the other two are very different, but it is by far the quietest and unfortunately the weakest in terms of its performance. Half of the restaurants were closed when we visited and the park opens very late in the day (1030am-8pm). There are no fireworks to close the night, though the Electrical Light Parade was brilliant. The meal-deal isn’t worth the money, particularly with so many restaurant closures. The cap of 130 HKD for meals is too restrictive (basically, unless you want to eat a burger and fries, only a couple vegetarian dishes are available) and there are only a few snack choices included in the deal. We had our 2nd day of meals refunded once we realised all of the imposed restrictions. However, the park was very quiet and we easily did everything in a day. It was nice being able to walk around a Disney park with almost no crowd or queues! Mystic Manor is unique to the park and is definitely a highlight. It is worth the trip just for this ride alone (but maybe pair up the Disney park with other sightseeing).

 

Tokyo

We spent a lot of time exploring Japan before going to the Disney park. It was nice to have a break and see different cities for a while. I would definitely recommend the Japanese Rail pass, which gives unlimited travel on most train lines all over the country. We even got to ride the bullet train to Kyoto with the pass. The country is very clean and most hotels provide a whole host of pampering products such as a hairbrush, toothbrush, razor, shower cap, as well as washing essentials.

Disney has 2 gates: Disneyland and Disney Sea and both are extremely popular with huge crowds. Though we stayed in a Disney partner hotel, we didn’t have Magic Hours so we struggled to ride all the rides and catch all the shows in the 3.5 days we were there. It’s just about possible to do Disneyland in 2 days, but Disney Sea needs 2-3 days at least, especially if you plan to ride the E-ticket attractions. ‘Soarin’ was never below a 160-minute wait the whole time we were there and many of the other big rides were over 100 minutes. We decided to focus on shows and forget most of the rides. Big Band Beats was a song and dance jazz show featuring numbers from the 1920s-1940s. With a live jazz band, singers, dancers and all the favourite Disney characters, it was just wonderful from beginning to end. The Hallowe’en show Festival of Mystique was a simple concept but impeccably executed.

We watched it twice and both times I was drawn in to the point I felt a little scared by the action! Fantasmic is the evening show, which is followed by the fireworks and while those who have been to Florida and California may recognise the overall premise, it has some unique elements.

It is much easier to ride most rides in the late afternoon in Disneyland, particularly between 4pm and 6pm, when families are heading off and before the night time crowd arrives. We managed to see the park at the beginning of the Hallowe’en season, so the Haunted Mansion had a Nightmare Before Christmas holiday overlay, which was amazing. Most rides are similar if not the same to those in Western parks, but Pooh’s Honey Hunt was surprisingly unique! The Hallowe’en parade was spooky in all the right ways and the Electrical Light Parade was dazzling. I really liked that everyone was encouraged to sit down and watch the performances, so I didn’t struggle (as I often do) to see the performances.

I realise this is a bit of a deviation from my typical posts, but it is important to take time away. I certainly don’t wish to glorify overwork and it is important to remember that no matter what the time off is – a lifelong dream holiday, a spontaneous trip, a city break or just time to read in the garden – allows for a mind reset. I cannot say this trip was quiet or relaxing and I didn’t avoid work completely, but it did give me time to focus on something else; to reflect, to regroup and to reset, which are all very important.

Zero drafting: does it work?

In my last post, I briefly discussed experimenting with different writing methods over the summer. Why would I do this? Well, at the start of the summer, I had three very clear goals I wanted to achieve: 1 book chapter, 1 book proposal and 1 article. To some this may sound like a huge amount to get through, to others it may seem just the right amount, but I had secretly hoped I would whiz through these tasks by mid-July and get at least another article or two in the bag. Of course, this type of thinking just set me up for a fall and made me feel even worse about my general progress.

Let’s take this month by month —

June: I was on another research project for half of the month and most of my days were dedicated to it rather than anything else. Of course, I downloaded articles and took other books with me in the hopes I could steal a few hours to work on my three goals. You guessed it. Those opportunities never came around. By the end of the project, I had a half written article, which read more like a jumble of half researched ideas and I had been thinking non-stop about my book chapter and proposal without getting the chance to write out my ideas. Ultimately, I felt unfulfilled because I felt like I hadn’t managed to complete anything. I came home unsure of whether to finish the article or start on the book project. And that is where I stayed for two weeks… in uncertain limbo…

July: I am not exactly sure when I decided to fully focus on the book project, but I did have a hard deadline so I imagine somewhere between the end of June and the 1st July I had a panic and chose to make the book the priority. I had four, whole, clear days and I worked almost every single hour with almost no sleep. I already had several hand drafts of the book chapter as well as the original introduction from my thesis so I wasn’t working from scratch and I was so surprised that the process was not only quick but quite enjoyable despite the lack of rest. I liked exploring the new directions I was taking this project. At the end of the four days, I didn’t hate what I had written and after a little tinkering I sent it to a few colleagues for feedback. In general, the feedback was positive with minor corrections here and there… What was going on? The process had never felt so… Easy…

I took a few days off and started on the proposal. After a day of staring at a blank page, I could feel all of the positive energy draining away. However, this time I reached out to others and asked for advice. My writing group really helped me out with one lovely member even sharing their proposal. It was in a completely different field, but at least it was a start. The whole process of writing the proposal was difficult from beginning to end, not because the ideas weren’t there, but because I kept reading, editing, reading, editing etc. etc. and I never really got into a proper flow. After it was written, I sent it to colleagues for comments and unlike the chapter, the proposal still needed a lot of work. I got there in the end, but the experience was not pleasant.

August: Two projects complete and just the article to go. This had a definite hard deadline, which could not be adjusted, but I had one whole month… How hard could it be? The first week came and went and I avoided working on the article. I told myself I needed a rest but it was pure avoidance. By the second weekend, I had reread some notes I had made earlier in the year, reread previous articles I had downloaded but I still didn’t want to write… I couldn’t bare starting from scratch again.

Just at this time a YouTube video popped up in my feed talking about creating a zero draft. The YouTuber, Kate Cavanaugh is actually a novelist, but I was curious. (Also, the video didn’t focus on zero drafting specifically, but after watching a few of her videos I noticed she kept mentioning it, so I looked it up).

What is a zero draft? The following definition can be found on the BRTOM website:

‘A Zero Draft is your first attempt to assemble thoughts related to your research topic or question. It is a more or less unstructured piece of writing that flows quickly from your own mind as you reflect upon your topic, your questions, and your reading. A Zero Draft is focused freewriting … or the very next step’.

After discoving the zero draft method, I thought back to those times when I had a positive writing experience vs a negative one. Positive experiences tended to come after I had:

a) thought about a project for a very long time

b) had a loose plan with flexibility to change as I went

c) already had plenty of material written that needed editing

d) all of the above.

Negative experiences tended to happen when:

a) I planned too rigidly and was reluctant to deviate

b) only had a short time to complete the project

c) didn’t have previously written material, or had chosen to abandon previously written material completely thinking it was too badly written or wasn’t original

d) edited every word, sentence and paragraph as I went

So why can’t I replica the positive conditions all time? The problem is during the teaching term, I rarely have time to write and when I do it’s only in short bursts. I avoid writing detailed notes (which is a habit I need to change and build into my general research process) and I tend to only thinking through projects when I am devising a piece of formal writing. I didn’t realise this is how I process my research until this summer and had I figured it out sooner I might have prevented a whole lot of pain.

Initially, I wanted to sit down, write and produce a perfect or at least near perfect first draft quickly, but since I process my ideas through writing, my first draft was and is always going to be a jumble of raw ideas. And if I plan too rigidly, I am denying myself the opportunity to fully develop or indeed build in new ideas. Zero drafting allows an author to work through their ideas. To get words on the page as prose, which can be edited afterwards. In my case, this really worked.

But the zero drafting method is a tricky commitment. I started the article on a Monday and told myself that by the following Monday I would have zero drafted the whole thing, except by the very next day (Tuesday), I didn’t zero draft section two and instead edited section one. This wasn’t a huge disaster but I realised if I kept editing the previous days work I wasn’t going to get those intial, raw ideas worked out from beginning to end. So, I forced myself to handwrite each section (usually taking 2-3 pomodoro sessions), type in exactly what I had written and close the laptop. I only worked on it for 2-3 hours a day but by the end of the week I had a full zero draft. By the time I was working on the first draft, I felt much more positive and I was happy to add or subtract while editing knowing how it all came out in the wash. The second draft only took a couple of days reading everything and fixing errors as I went. It took me just over three weeks to go from blank to complete and while this might not be the same for every project, it was a much more positive writing experience overall.

My top tips for zero drafting are:

Do not be tempted to edit, not even spelling or grammar, just keep going.

I did keep a note of references such as title and page number in the footnotes. Obviously, these were put into the correct referencing style later but it was so much easier to keep track of everything.

If you can handwrite first, this may help with flow and avoiding too much editing. I did stop and start at times, but if an idea just wasn’t forming, I moved onto the next without scrubbing out the previous. All of the ideas were typed in, even if one trailed off. By the time I was editing, I was either able to fill in the messy idea and connect up the sections or delete it if it wasn’t working.

Belcher workbook: the end of week 3

This week has been a real challenge! Trying to keep on top of this work while also sitting in endless meetings throughout the week is a real test of my commitment. I have started to feel those ‘guilts’ creeping in, knowing that I should be working on my chapter but I cannot find the time to do so. That being said, I have been actively thinking about it and grabbing small amounts of time to work on the Belcher exercises or do some reading. I even redrafted the chapter on Wednesday night and have found time to type the redraft into the computer. Since the argument of my book has completely changed from the thesis, I felt I couldn’t work on the argument task, until I had created something new. Is this really procrastination? I hope not! A fresh start is sometimes necessary. Next week’s Belcher tasks are dedicated to finding the right journal, which isn’t entirely suited to my project. I will take the opportunity to develop what I have so far, expanding and refining it. Can I be trusted to work alone without prescriptive tasks? We shall see…

Do I state my argument early?

Revision task: In its new form, the argument is much clearer but I could do better to state it up front. I need to change paragraph 1 so that it explicitly states the argument rather than setting up an abstract narrative that meanders to a point.

Have I organised my introduction around my argument?

This question doesn’t necessarily work for an introductory book chapter, since the whole chapter is dedicated to setting up an argument. But I can do better to organise the opening around the argument. I need to read examples of other book introduction, to make sure this falls in line with what is expected in my field.

Have I organised the body of my chapter around my argument?

It is much better than the original thesis as it makes a clear, succinct point. It wrote itself in this form which bodes will for how my ideas are forming, but a lot of the initial ideas need to be expanded. Examine each paragraph, make sure everything is unpacked that needs to be and reference where everything is coming from. The argument needs to be really concrete.

Have I presented evidence related to my argument?

In this draft form, I haven’t done this as yet. I need to go back to each paragraph and make sure it is really solid in its evidentiary base. I will do what Belcher suggests and write as I read, while also making sure my data recording is sound.

Do I restate my argument in the conclusion or does it disappear?

I don’t really do this, the argument meanders in a slightly different direction. I need to get it back to the initial point!