At the beginning of 2019, I avoided setting a specific goal. In academia, setting a professional goal is difficult – after all so many things are out with my control. I can tell myself “I will publish more” but that is largely dependent on peer reviewers and publishers. And if they do accept the publication, major revisions will take up more time than anticipated. At least, this is what I told myself. Now, I can write more and push more out the door, but is more better? These are the questions I struggled with for all of 2018 and at least the first quarter of 2019.
Then I had an epiphany! In April 2019, I made a promise to myself. I would write a book proposal and I would keep sending it out, getting feedback, editing it, and sending it again until it got accepted. The key thing here was committing to one, single project and telling myself rejection would not knock me down. I worked hard on the proposal and put measures n lace to make sure it went in: I gave myself a hard deadline, I sent it to trusted colleagues for feedback, and I made sure to make it clear, targeted and something I wanted to do, not something I thought I should do.
While all this was going on, a new fellowship appeared and I casually thought ‘Hey, I have an idea so let’s go for it’. I told colleagues I had nothing to lose by applying and at this point I genuinely thought all I was doing was casually throwing my hat in the ring and I wouldn’t feel too bad if I didn’t get it. The project was clear and linked to my research, but I wasn’t passionate about it. I’m sure if it got funded I would have enjoyed doing it, but I had put up a protective wall in my mind. I didn’t want to receive a rejection for something I was passionate about, but therein lies the problem. I dedicated a lot of time and energy to the application and even though it wasn’t my dream project, I had still poured myself into it.
Well, if you haven’t guessed by now, it didn’t get funded.
When I received the rejection email, I didn’t feel angry or sad, just disappointed. But, as the months went on my mood became darker and darker. I poured myself into the book proposal and I think if it had been rejected too I may have just given up entirely.
Here is the thing though, funding is tricky, and much trickier than publishing. There isn’t enough to fund every project. Even if a really convincing case has been made, even if it ticks all these boxes, it still might not be enough to get over that final hurdle. There are so many unknown factors and since I didn’t get feedback, I will never know why this project didn’t meet the mark.
What I should have done was found another fellowship and applied for it with the same project, but I didn’t. Instead, all that hard work has been pushed aside, and I probably won’t go back to it again. Why? Well, what I came up with was something I thought the funder wanted, and not something I was trulypassionate about. Maybe that came through in the application…
Meanwhile, I have been working on yet another project #allthethings. It stems from a previously-funded project, but I had been developing another grant application. I have literally poured months of work into it and after receiving so-so internal feedback I realised that, once again, I have developed a project that suits others and not me. So what to do…
Well, after several weeks reflection, I have a very clear idea of what I want to do next. The grant I was applying for doesn’t suit what I want to do, but the time spent developing it has helped me figure out the key research questions. By focusing more on what I want to explore, everything falls into place. I have even identified three other grants I could apply for by taking this new direction.
I am extremely passionate about this new project and I have written a couple of articles in this area. I really, really want funding to make it happen. This feeling is scary but exciting, but it is an idea has been forming for about two years and now feels like the time to take the next step.
So, in 2020 what do I want?
1. I want to complete and send in the manuscript for my first monograph.
2. I want major grant funding for my new project, which will lead to my second monograph.
These two projects are huge, but it is time to be bold. It is time to stop using rejection as an excuse. It is time to do things the way I want to do them. This is not intended to sound egotistical as feedback from senior colleagues is important and should be taken on board, but my problem so far is thinking too much about what I think I should be doing based on others opinions rather than developing something I want to do.
In the words of YouTuber Justin Scarred, I may not be able to control [funding outcomes or publication outcomes], but I can change my reaction to them. 2020 is my year to work on these two projects with clarity and focus.